The Matrix: Cliched
by Nain and Calli
Summary: Featuring Cypher the Love God, Monosyllabic Neo and a Speckled Elephant, Nain and Calli parody the finest movie ever, 'The Matrix'.
1. Neo Eats a Waffle

The Matrix: Cliched  
  
by Nain and Calli  
  
--------------------**  
  
TRACE PROGRAM RUNS. PHONE RINGS.   
  
Cypher: Hello, you've reached Cypher's Sexy Hotline. For girls, press 1. For boys, press 2. For girls AND boys, press 3. For Agents in Drag, press 4. To talk to Cypher, the love god himself, please press one five times.  
  
ONE IS PRESSED FIVE TIMES; CYPHER'S VOICE IS HEARD.  
  
Cypher: Helloooo, this is Cypher the Love God.  
  
Trinity: Hello, Cypher, this is Trinity.  
  
Cypher: oh SHIT!  
  
Trinity: Yeah, it's good to talk to you, too.  
  
Cypher: I, er, well, it's not what you think.  
  
Trinity: Uh-huh. Anyway, get off the computer. I have to stalk that Anderson guy now.  
  
Cypher: You like him, don't you? PERV!  
  
Trinity: You're calling ME a perv, Mr. God of Love?  
  
Cypher: My love is perfectly disease-free!  
  
Trinity: Mmm, I bet his is, too. I mean, uhh... just shut up.  
  
Cypher: You sick, deluded child. Anyway, I better go. And so should you. Bye, sexykins.  
  
CYPHER HANGS UP, SCREEN SHOWS SPIFFY GREEN TELEPHONE CORD, THEN POLICE GUY.  
  
Officer Donut: PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE HEAD. Wait.  
  
Officer Priscilla: Oooh, Drag!  
  
Trinity: Hmmm, who should I beat up?  
  
Officer Mitzi: I think the unfashionable rebel is IN THE ROOM!  
  
Officer Coffee: OOH! PICK ME! PICK ME!  
  
Trinity: I will kill you all, muhahaha.  
  
TRINITY DOES SPIFFY KICK. TRINITY KICKS THEIR SAD PLUGGED IN ASSES.  
  
Officer Coffee: YAY! I HAVE BEEN BLESSED!  
  
Officer Priscilla: Now I can go to the big gay club in the SKY...  
  
fr3akscene: SCENE CUTS TO AGENT SMITH GETTING OUT OF HIS PRISCILLA BUS  
  
Drag Smith: -flutters eyelashes- Hello, big boy.  
  
Officer Tastee Wheat: Oh, look, it's miss man!  
  
Lieutentant: Who the hell are you?  
  
Agent Brown: We're the baddies! Nice to meet you!  
  
ZeeGrandPoobah: Lieutenant: I already sent officers Donut, Coffee, Mitzi and Priscilla up. They're bringing her down now.  
  
Drag Smith: I will asphyxiate them.   
  
SCENE CUTS TO TRINITY TALKING TO MORPHEUS ON THE PHONE  
  
Trinity: Morphy, Cypher's a sex-crazed freak. He's running this porn phone company.  
  
Morpheus: ... wow.   
  
Trinity: Morpheus, how do I get out of here?  
  
Morpheus: There are more levels than you ever could dream of.  
  
Trinity: Are you playing Sonic the Hedgehog again?  
  
Morpheus: IT'S REALLY ADDICTIVE!  
  
Trinity: Screw you, I'm going to save myself.  
  
TRINITY DOES SOME RANDOM RUNNING   
  
Drag Smith: I would chase her, but I'd rip my ball gown.  
  
Agent Fuzzy: Can I do it? Oooh, pick me, pick me!  
  
Agent Brown: Whatever. This scene is getting way too long.  
  
Trinity: Wait until you get to the rave in Reloaded!  
  
Keanu Fangirls: WE SEE HIM NAKED, OMG  
  
Calli: Yes, but unfortunately he's getting it on with her.  
  
Keanu Fangirls: LYK Y!?  
  
Nain: Who knows. It's a mystery.  
  
Calli: ... that's what I've been wondering the whole time.  
  
TRINITY GETS INTO A PHONE BOOTH. THE GARBAGE TRUCK APPEARS  
  
Drag Smith: You little ... Ooooh. I made my nail go bye-bye. Now you must DIE!  
  
Agent Brown: Oh, God, he's going to POP.  
  
Audience: Why the HELL is she running for the phone booth?  
  
Purists: Stupid mainstream...  
  
Fangirls: LYK, GET RUN OVER! YES! DON'T GET IT ON WITH NEO!  
  
TRINITY DISAPPEARS, AND THE TRUCK RAMS INTO THE PHONE BOOTH  
  
Trin Fans: YAY!  
  
Drag Smith: She got away.   
  
Fangirls: DID SHE DIE?  
  
Agent Brown: We have the name of their next ... um, One.  
  
Agent Jones: The name is... -looks at script- Keanubish. Wait, uh, no. That isn't right.  
  
Drag Smith: Is his name Fuzzy, the happy Elf?  
  
Agent Fuzzy: No, that's me. Remember last year's Christmas party? When I got myself that legal name change?  
  
Drag Smith: oh, yes.   
  
Agent Brown: Dude, you were totally wasted.  
  
Agent Fuzzy: Well, I'm sorry, but Lolo kept giving me drinks.  
  
Drag Smith: She was a man.  
  
Agent Brown: Dammit. She was damn fine. I mean, HE was damn fine.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO SEXY NEO, IN FRONT OF HIS COMPUTER.  
  
Computer: Wake up, Neo.  
  
NEO LETS OUT A LOUD SNORE  
  
Computer: ... WAKE UP, NEO.  
  
NEO FLINGS HIS ARM OVER THE KEYBOARD, ERASING THE WORDS ONSCREEN  
  
Neo: five more minutes, mom.  
  
Computer: WAKE THE HELL UP, YOU SHITHEAD!  
  
Neo: Wazzat?  
  
COMPUTER MAKES THE MICROSOFT LOGIN NOISE  
  
Computer: The Matrix, like, has you, Mr. Duracell.  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Neo: This is damn trippy.  
  
Computer: Follow the orange speckled elephant  
  
A LOUD ELEPHANT NOISE IS HEARD  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Computer: Knock, Knock, Neo.  
  
THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR, THE ELEPHANT KNOCKS THE DOOR OVER  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Choi: Um, dude, what happened when the Mongols invaded China?  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Choi: Can I have my bootleg copy of 'Britney's Dance Beat', please?  
  
Neo: ... What?  
  
Choi: My bootleg, you idiot.  
  
NEO THINKS FOR A MOMENT.  
  
Neo: Ohh..  
  
NEO GETS THE BOOTLEG AND GIVES IT TO CHOI  
  
Choi: Dude, you're like, Jesus.  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Choi: You're, like, going to save humanity.  
  
Choi: Want to come with us and get wasted? What do you think, Dujour?  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Dujour: Sure. I'll just call my orange speckled elephant over for a ride.  
  
Neo: ... what? I'm really confused.  
  
Dujour: Just come with us, you moron.  
  
Neo: Uhhh, okay.  
  
SCENE CUTS TO SCARY CLUB WHICH IS NOT AS SCARY AS HEL CLUB. NEO IS STANDING IN FRONT OF A PILLAR, EATING A WAFFLE  
  
Trinity: Hello, Neo.  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Trinity: My name is Trinity.  
  
Neo: Dude?  
  
Trinity: No, I'm a woman. I have boobs.   
  
Neo: Oh. -stares at boobs-  
  
Trinity: But they don't really exist.  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Trinity: Please just listen.  
  
Neo: Huh?  
  
NEO FINISHES HIS WAFFLE  
  
Trinity: I know why you're here, Neo.  
  
Neo: Why?  
  
Trinity: Uh, well, I thought you knew.  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Trinity: They're coming for you. Here, have a Malibu Stacy doll.  
  
Neo: HER BOOBS ARE HUGE!  
  
Trinity: The Matrix, Neo, THE MATRIX.  
  
Neo: Whoa.  
  
Trinity: Oh, this is dumb, I'm out of here.  
  
ALARM RINGS, NEO WAKES UP  
  
Neo: ... what? 


	2. Their Feminine Sides

The Matrix: Cliched  
  
by Nain and Calli  
  
--------------------**  
  
SCENE CUTS TO METACORTEX BUILDING  
  
Boss: Come on time.  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Boss: Go sit down.  
  
Window Washers: If you're really sad, you'll note that the suds on the window look like Matrix Code.  
  
Boss: Mr. Anderson, you are a sad, sad man. Go to your cubicle.  
  
Neo: Why?  
  
Boss: Just shut up and go.  
  
CUT TO NEO'S CUBICLE DOOHICKEY  
  
Fed-Ex Guy: Yo, Neo!  
  
Neo: Huh?  
  
Audience: Why isn't the computer on?  
  
Neo: I don't know how to turn it on. I'm an idiot.  
  
Fed-Ex Guy: Here, I have a package for you.  
  
Neo: Cool.   
  
NEO OPENS THE PACKAGE. THE PHONE RINGS, AND HE PICKS IT UP  
  
Morpheus: Hello, Neo. Do you know who this is?  
  
Neo: Sam?  
  
Morpheus: No...  
  
Neo: Legolas?  
  
Morpheus: IT'S MORPHEUS, YOU IDIOT!  
  
Neo: Whoa.  
  
Morpheus: What's up, mah homie?  
  
Neo: Huh?  
  
Morpheus: Did you know that I meant to send you a 'Welcome To The Real World' basket of muffins?  
  
Neo: MUFFINS?!?!?  
  
Morpheus: Calm down. You can have the muffins after Smithy has his way with you.  
  
Neo: Smithy? Sounds, like, Kinky.  
  
Morpheus: Look over the edge of your cubicle. Slowly, so you don't hit your head again.  
  
NEO'S 'OW!!!!!' REVERBATES THROUGH THE PHONE LINE. RUBBING HIS HEAD, NEO LOOKS OVER THE EDGE OF THE CUBICLE DOOHICKEY TO SEE AGENTS SMITH, FUZZY, BUNNY AND DISCO STU, ALL DRESSED IN DRAG  
  
Neo: Dude, he's hot.  
  
Morpheus: FOCUS!  
  
Neo: What?  
  
Morpheus: He wants to turn you into a woman, Neo.  
  
Neo: DUUUUUUUDE!  
  
Morpheus: You have to run, run like a cockroach into the girl's bathroom, where I will tell you where to go.  
  
Neo: The girl's bathroom? Dude, my mommy said I'm not allowed in there.  
  
Morpheus: Do it, or you'll have boobs tomorrow.  
  
NEO RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR  
  
Random Female #1: UGH! A MAN! A MAN!   
  
Random Female #2: RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!  
  
Random Female #3: Wait, girls, this guy is actually kind of hot!  
  
Random Female #4: Can I play with your sock puppet?  
  
Neo: Huh? Um, like, please get out. I have to, um, uh, well, uh, like, um... dude...   
  
Random Female #2: You're meeting a girl in here, aren't you?! Who is she? Is it Jeanette? Ooh, that WHORE!  
  
Random Female #3: I heard that she...  
  
Neo: ENOUGH!   
  
NEO CLIMBS OUT THE WINDOW  
  
Morpheus: Dude, I didn't ask you to climb out the window...  
  
Neo: Huh?  
  
Morpheus: Oh, well, you were supposed to climb out the window anyway.  
  
Neo: Whoa.  
  
Morpheus: Now, do you see that oversized novelty chicken balloon over on the top of the KFC?  
  
Neo: Dude...  
  
Morpheus: The novelty chicken serves no purpose.   
  
Neo: Fwaaa?  
  
Morpheus: You need to macarena your ass over to that scaffold.  
  
Neo: Dude, my tie, like, it will mess up.  
  
Morpheus: Well, do you want to become a woman?  
  
Neo: MY TIE, DUDE!  
  
Agent Smith: COME TO ME, DAHLING!  
  
Neo: NOOO! MY TIE!  
  
TIE FALLS OFF, AND FLIES THROUGH THE AIR IN BULLET TIME  
  
Neo: NOOOOOOOO!  
  
NEO FALLS TO THE FLOOR AND SOBS  
  
Morpheus: You're a wimp. -hangs up-  
  
SCENE CUTS TO THE STREET, WHERE NEO IS BEING FORCED INTO THE PRISCILLA BUS  
  
Trinity: Oh, god. I must leave before they sprinkle pink glitter on my Ducati.  
  
Agent Smith: Hmm, who could that man be? He looks shifty. -eyes Trinity-  
  
TRINITY SPEEDS AWAY AS AGENT SMITH TOSSES A HANDFUL OF GLITTER IN HER DIRECTION. SCENE CUTS TO TELEVISION SCREENS, WHICH THEN TURN INTO A ROOM WITH NEO SITTING AT A TABLE, LOOKING EXTREMELY CONSTIPATED  
  
Larry: Hehe! I'm so vouyeristic!  
  
Neo: I don't like it in here. I want my mommy.  
  
AGENT SMITH ENTERS, WEARING DRAG.  
  
Neo: ...mommy?  
  
HE SITS ON THE TABLE AND EXPOSES THE TOP HALF OF HIS LEG  
  
Neo: AHHHH!  
  
Agent Smith: Well, Miss Dranderson, it appears that you've been living... TWO LIVES.  
  
Neo: But I can't even count up to two!  
  
Agent Smith: In one life, You're Miss Dranderson... Sorry, MISTER ANDERSON... you live a pretty crappy life. You do not have a bitch. You do not have very much money. You don't even have a brain. However, you help your landlady carry out your garbage, and... by the looks of it... you volunteer to help at a strip club EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT.  
  
Neo: Um, yeah, I did do that once.  
  
AGENT SMITH ADJUSTS HIS BRA. NEO SHUDDERS.  
  
Agent Smith: And the other life, Miss Dranderson, is LIVED IN... COMPUTERS!  
  
Neo: EURGH!  
  
Agent Smith: And as we all know, computer geeks are SO icky.  
  
Neo: I'm not icky! I have boobs!  
  
Agent Smith: You will by the end of this.  
  
Neo: AAAARGH!  
  
AGENT SMITH GRABS NEO AND OPENS HIS SHIRT  
  
Agent Smith: STOP SQUIRMING, MISS DRANDERSON!   
  
Neo: I... DON'T... WANT... BOOBS!  
  
Calli: Oooh, Kinky.  
  
Agent Smith: YESS... YOU... DO... MISS... DRAAAAANDERSON!  
  
Neo: NOOO!   
  
NEO WAKES UP IN HIS BED. HE LOOKS AT HIS CHEST AND SEES ...  
  
Neo: DUDE, I HAVE BOOBS!  
  
NEO WAKES UP AGAIN  
  
Neo: Dude, I'm flat!  
  
THE PHONE RINGS.  
  
Morpheus: This line is tapped so I must give away very important details about where we are.  
  
Neo: Even I think that's stupid.  
  
Morpheus: I should probably also tell you, on this tapped line, that if they knew how important you are, you'd be dead.  
  
Neo: Hooray.  
  
Morpheus: Do you want to meet me?  
  
Neo: I don't know. You don't wear pink, do you?  
  
Morpheus: Baby, if you don't like it, I aint gonna wear it.  
  
Neo: ... A/S/L?  
  
Morpheus: Well, I'm a sixteen year old girl... I mean... bald, acne-scarred man.  
  
Neo: Okay! You sound like a very safe man.  
  
Morpheus: Excelllllllent.  
  
CUT TO ADAMS STREET BRIDGE  
  
Neo: PIKA PIKA!  
  
Switch: Like, get in the car.  
  
Neo: This car is very unfashionable.  
  
Switch: Yeah, well, bite me, bitch.  
  
Neo: Um, okay. Scootch over.  
  
Trinity: -gives Neo a big smile, showing all her teeth- HI!!  
  
Neo: AHHHHHHHH!  
  
Switch: Trinity, stop scaring him and give him that breast reduction.  
  
TRINITY DOES SOMETHING THAT WE CANNOT MENTION WITH A POLE AND A CHAINSAW  
  
Neo: -whimpers- My... silicone...  
  
Switch: Throw them out the window, quick, before they explode.  
  
TRINITY THROWS FAKE BOOBS OUT OF WINDOW; HIT WELL-TO-DO COUPLE IN FACE  
  
Well-to-do-Couple: Well, I never!  
  
Man: Oooh, they smell all warm.  
  
Woman: Want to have some fun? -wink-  
  
Man: Bring it, baby!  
  
CAR PULLS UP AT HOTEL; NEO AND TRINITY GET OUT AND WALK OUT SEEMINGLY ENDLESS STAIRCASE BEFORE REACHING A BIG DOOR  
  
Trinity: Okay, in we go, Nehoko!  
  
Neo: My name is Neo.  
  
Trinity: Who cares?  
  
MORPHEUS IS WEARING A LARGE PINK FEATHER BOA, PINK CAT-EYE SUNGLASSES WITH RHINESTONES AND A RED LEATHER DRESS  
  
Morpheus: YO, GURLFRIEND! LYK, WHAT'S SHAKIN'?  
  
Neo: ... are you a man?  
  
Morpheus: -in a small voice- I don't WANT to be...  
  
Neo: Can I call you Morphette?  
  
Morpheus: You can call me whatever you want, sugar.  
  
TRINITY ROLLS HER EYES  
  
Neo: You're still here?  
  
Morpheus: Excuse me, this is our girlie night. GO AWAY!  
  
Trinity: I AM a girl. You're not.  
  
Neo: I'm a hoko! Nehoko!  
  
Morpheus: Of course you are, cutie. Come and sit on daddy-- err, mummy's lap.  
  
NEO CUDDLES UP TO MORPHEUS, RUNNING HIS FINGERS THROUGH THE FEATHERS ON THE FEATHER BOA  
  
Morpheus: Nehoko, do you know why you're here?  
  
Neo: Because I want to be a potato!  
  
TRINITY LEAVES  
  
Morpheus: Thank GOD the she-male's gone. Now we can paint our toes sparkly pink!  
  
Trinity: -from outside the door- I HEARD THAT!  
  
NEO GIGGLES AND REACHES INTO HIS COSMETIC BAG  
  
Morpheus: Neo, do you know why you're here? Sweetums?  
  
Neo: To be a sexual object for all the sad fangirls?  
  
Calli: You are so right! Let me cuddle and smell you!  
  
Nain: You are my bitch.  
  
Trinity: -seethe-  
  
Morpheus: Yes, darling. But you're also my soulmate. You are the ONE, Neo. I want you, oh baby.  
  
Neo: Okay! Can I have some candy?  
  
IN THE BACKGROUND, 'Red Pill, Blue Pill' FROM THE ANIMATRIX SOUNDTRACK STARTS TO PLAY  
  
Music: Take-the-blue-pill! Take-the-red-pill!  
  
NEO BECOMES EXTREMELY CONFUSED, WILLIAM HUNG AND HIS DANCING GIRLS APPEAR  
  
William Hung: Neho, mutaka da repill.  
  
THE DANCING GIRLS DANCE ABOUT, CHANTING 'TAKE THE RED, RED, RED PILL! WOO!'  
  
William Hung: TAKE IT OR I SING!   
  
WILLIAM LAUNCHES INTO A RENDITION OF "SHE BANGS"  
  
William: SHEBANZ SHE BANZ OIOOH BABEEEEE SHEMUVZ SHEMUVZ BUMBLEFLY BABEEE  
  
Neo: NOOOOOOO! STOP!  
  
NEO TAKES THE RED PILL  
  
Calli: Aww, but he looks so hilarious with his 'no pwofezzinal twainin'  
  
Nain: I liked it better when Simon bashed him.  
  
Simon: I am better than all of you. And you, Miss Dranderson, are a pitiful example of a man.   
  
Neo: Thanks!  
  
Simon: Uh, that's a BAD thing...  
  
NEO LOOKS SAD  
  
Morphette: NO ONE INSULTS MY SWEETUMS!  
  
MORPHEUS CHOKES SIMON WITH THE BLUE PILL, THEN MORPHEUS AND NEO GO INTO THE SPIFFY ROOM NEXT DOOR. SIMON LIES ON THE GROUND WHILE WILLIAM TRIES TO SAVE HIS LIFE  
  
Simon: British...accent... gone... no longer... have... scathing... wit...  
  
William: Sahmin, noooo!  
  
Simon: Why are you helping me? I told you that you sucked.   
  
William: Yehbutoo makeame famiz. to cerabate oor lyf, i will make shuure dat the lazt thing oo hear izzz me shingin 'can oo feer da ruve tonyt'.  
  
Simon: JUST KILL ME!  
  
William: IZZ ENUF, OO MAKE ZINGZ AND VIGGABONZ...  
  
SIMON STABS HIMSELF WITH ONE OF MORPHEUS' MASCARA BRUSHES AND DIES. CUT TO NEO AND MORPHEUS IN THE OTHER ROOM  
  
Neo: Haha, reality tv makes me joyous.  
  
Apoc: Shut up and sit in the chair.  
  
NEO SITS IN A HORRIBLE CHAIR AND MORPHEUS PLAYS AROUND WITH SOME RANDOM STUFF  
  
Morpheus: I am a beautiful, unique snowflake.  
  
Neo: I am a chocolate dream of sugared strawberries.  
  
Trinity: I have an abnormal facination with stripteases.   
  
EVERYONE LOOKS AT TRINITY IN HORROR  
  
Trinity: I mean, uh, I like to tease strippers. Because... they suck... and... I... uh.  
  
Morpheus: Have you ever had a dream, Neo, and you were so sure that it was, like, not a dream?  
  
Neo: Well, there was that dream where I went pee-pee, and then I woke up, and...  
  
NEO BLUSHES FURIOUSLY.  
  
Trinity: We didn't really need to know that.  
  
Neo: Oh. -pause- Am I dreaming now?  
  
Morpheus: If you were, I'd be doing a striptease.  
  
Neo: AUGH!  
  
Morpheus: Touch the mirror, sweetie.  
  
Neo: Why?  
  
Morpheus: It will take you to a magical place.  
  
Neo: So?  
  
Morpheus: -rolls eyes- With Jello.  
  
Neo: I'M THERE!   
  
NEO GRABS A CHUNK OF MIRROR  
  
Neo: IT BURNS! IT BURNS!  
  
Morpheus: Can we please get this over with? I suddenly feel all girly and need an asprin. -swoons dramatically-  
  
Trinity: So, what else is new...  
  
Morpheus: SHUT UP, YOU SHE-MALE!  
  
TRINITY KICKS MORPHEUS IN THE SHINS AND NEO SCREAMS RATHER ELECTRONICALLY  
  
Neo: IIIIIII EEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT CHHEEEEEEESSSEEEEEEE  
  
Tinky Winky: I am a gay purple man.  
  
Morpheus: No, dammit, I'm the gay purple man!  
  
TINKY WINKY AND MORPHEUS STARE AT EACH OTHER FOR A MOMENT, THEN LEAP ON EACH OTHER.  
  
Tinky Winky: Oh, Morphy! Ravish me!  
  
THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH 'OH BABY BABY'S  
  
Trinity: I'm going to be sick.  
  
Neo: Wait till you find about MY love affair with Tinky Winky!  
  
Morpheus: -gasp- YOU SLUT!  
  
Cypher: -rushes into room, holding script- BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT, DOROTHY, BECAUSE KANSAS IS GOING DOWN THE TREE!  
  
Trinity: You're too late, Cypher. Where were you, anyway?  
  
Cypher: Uhh... eating steak with the Agents?  
  
Trinity: Did you say... AGENT?  
  
Cypher: ...No. I said GOPHER.  
  
Trinity: Oh, okay then.  
  
Cypher: I was eating steak with the gophers.  
  
Trinity: Rock on.  
  
SCREEN GOES BLACK. 


End file.
